Krunal: Before we begin I just need to read out a little disclaimer from us. We would just like to apologise in advance to all the parents that have children in the room, to the LGBTQ community (except Rahul) and to anybody that has a BMI above Rahul’s; Apologies for the sheer ruthlessness of this speech. As there are some kids in the room so please be advised that this speech is rated PG but very loosely.

Kishen: For those who dont know me, im Kishen rahuls much more handsome, athletic (Krunal to tap your belly) and funnier older brother.

Krunal: And I’m one of Rahuls best mates. And yes, I can confirm to his new Birmingham family, he does have friends but unfortunately for him, not very nice ones.

Kishen: Firstly can we just take a moment to say how beautiful of a bombshell the bride is today! I mean honestly Nish you look absolutely amazing. So please everyone raise a glass to celebrate the bride!

Krunal: We’re still trying to piece together how Rahul pulled this off. I mean he’s punching so hard that we don’t know what Nish fell for? We know its not his looks

Kishen: Or his figure

Krunal: Or his haircut

Kishen: Or his personality

Krunal: Or his little weedle (act surprised by the laughter) What? It’s a pokemon card

Kishen: We can only assume that Nish knows a completely different Rahul to us

Krunal: Rahul and I have been close friends for over half our lives. We bonded over the years because we competed over things like

1. gaming

2. sports,

3. The kind of comedy that would get you arrested,

4. and food, but as you can see he won at that last one. (Its funny cos he’s fat) You may not be able to tell but he’s been going to the gym consistently for about 15 years straight.

Kishen: But Rahul is a man of consistency. So in another 15 years he’s still gonna look like the only thing he lifts is his hand to his mouth. 

Krunal: Rahul has had a lot of nicknames in his lifetime. The most popular were:

Kishen: McTiddy

Krunal: Jiggles

Kishen: Bitch Tits

Krunal: Tiddies

Kishen: and my personal favourite, Praful

Kishen: Growing up we were all worried about Rahul.. parents included. I mean even the priest at his own wedding asked him why are you gay? But in all seriousness we are just glad your straight 👍 (he’s round) but straight.. thats the main thing 🤣🤣

Nish, I have a few fun memories about my brother to help you be prepared with going into this marriage:

1.      He sleep walks , so be careful i hear you shouldn't wake Snorlax while he sleeps.

2.      Rahuls mouth will get him into trouble. Like when he was 12 and called my dad a wanker. Rahuls dad beat the hell out of him that it may have been child abuse but it was bloody hilarious

3.      Rahul’s like a short fat angry American. Once he got a little mad a few years ago and kicked his door.. so hard it broke the panel. He used a batman poster to cover his door so kaka when ya get home take a look and this time if you beat him up its just funny.

4.      Rahul has won a few fights in his lifetime i have to say just not against his BMI. (Or against his dad apparently)

Krunal: Now its interesting to us that last week the Maharaj said that marriage can only happen between a man and a women. Because as far as we can tell, Nish is more of a man than Rahul is.

Nish – I know you two are best friends but I also have a little list of things you probably didn’t know:

1.      He pees sitting down. Don’t ask, I don’t know. He’s been caught him once or twice and I’ve tried to tell him that men don’t do that but… *hands up*  (Its funny cos he fat)

2.      His Pokemon card collection will be more valuable to him than anyone’s happiness.. so don’t expect to be able to play with his wiglet

3.      My sister asked him for advice on what to buy me for my 30th and she bought a £200 Lego set. I have 0 interest in Lego. He basically told her what he would like. The dickhead.

4.      He keeps a tissue roll under his mattress. (giggity giggity) I think its only for tears when he’s watching a sad movie.

5.      And here’s a little secret for the room. If you ask Rahul to bend over….. he will let you kick his ass as hard as you want just to prove that it won’t hurt him. We have no idea how he’s conditioned his backside to take these poundings.

Krunal: All jokes aside and apart for his various and almost endless flaws, Rahul is a dime a dozen. He has a massive heart, and not only because it has to work extra hard. He’s thoughtful and kind, he’s dedicated and ambitious, and he has consistently been a great friend. I have no doubt he will continue to do everything in his power to keep Nish happy in her new home as they start their new beautiful life together. (in separate beds)

Kishen: Rahul I just want you to know how proud I am to be your brother. Ever since we were kids we have had each other's back. I see now you also have nish's. I know you will Love and cherish every moment with her by yourside and treat her with all the respect and love in the world.

You are the best of us in so many ways and I want you to know how much every single person in this room loves you! I wish you nothing but happiness in your next steps through life as a married man. And if the day comes you ever need anything the maraj's number is 07 why are you gay.